Paul's Brain Spewage

I give up

2008-01-21T04:35:28Z

New Year's resolutions are lame

2008-01-02T21:29:04Z

The idea of a New Year's resolution has always seemed lame to me, much like the idea of New Year's celebrations. Every day is a good day to start something new. About three years ago, I joined a gym on January 2nd. This was entirely a coincidence. I hated my lifestyle and decided to do a bunch of things differently. It was entirely coincidence that I decided to do this at the beginning of the year.

I spent the next year and a half of my life being the healthiest I could be. I quit drinking for a long time. At one point I went about six months without a drink. I had a wonderful relationship with a beautiful young woman who unfortunately didn’t want to keep me around, but I am still on friendly terms with. I had myself down to a lean and strong 165 lbs. and had the beginning of abdominal definition showing. More importantly I had completely put my drug fueled lifestyle and its controlling/addictive mind states behind me.

Then I moved to the St. Louis area for a normal 8:30-5’er that only allowed me to workout in the evenings. I just can’t lift heavy at night. I was still doing cardio, but even that died out. I started and stopped smoking again a few times, and have put on to this date 5 pounds of fat from beer, energy drink, and taco bell.

My physical health being what it may, I’ve made great strides in my mental health and professional development. I’ve learned the intricacies of many pieces of open source software. I’ve learned a lot about eastern philosophy, meditation, and yoga. But I just don’t have the energy I used to, especially the mental energy.

Recently, due in part to this dullness and cabin fever, my mood has been real shitty. I’m trying to get my MCSE, so I have to study for 7 ridiculous tests. I’ve been pissed off at myself because I can’t concentrate on the material for more than 20 minutes. In the last few weeks I’ve had a couple instances where what I planned to be a night of casual social drinking became a night of me slipping back into old dominating mindset mode. I even had a night that I drank so much that I couldn’t remember shit. Last Saturday I got really drunk as well was even worse with the controlling mind-state.

I had a sober New Year’s Eve when I started thinking about the same things again. So I happened to make another resolution. Once again, the day was purely by coincidence. It was just another Monday night to me.

The list.

No more drinking. I’ll go dry for three months and try the moderation thing again in April
No more computer games. Uninstalled all of them.
No more smoking (hadn’t regularly for a month but let’s make sure its permanent).
45 minutes on the elliptical, 4 times a week. I will start with 30 minutes three times. Any more and my poor un-adapted tendons and rotator cuff get angry.
Practice my yoga poses every day. Maybe see an instructor or a Pilates instructor.
Sit in at least 30 minutes of Vipassana, 4 times a week, building up to 6.
Make myself healthy meals, and only eat out on social occasions. Taking a lunch to work is going to be a difficult adjustment.
- Learn to lacto-ferment my oats.
- Find more raw milk again
To take one of my MCSE tests a month for 7 months. This will require me to spend 3-4 nights a week studying after I go to the gym and meditate.
Cut down and almost eliminate my caffeine intake.

I basically don’t want to waste anymore time. I have things I want to accomplish and things that I see as hindrances to them. That’s a hell of a list. I’ve finished shitting a long time ago, it’s time to get off the pot.

grand philosophical ramblings, part 1 - spirituality

2007-12-24T05:44:26Z

From the Pali canon, in the Sutta Pitaka, in the fourth division known as the Anguttara Nikaya, in the 65th section of the third book, Buddha speaks to the Kalamas. The Kalamas were complaining about how different people were coming around saying their ideas were truth and denouncing others. So many versions of "truth" were thrown out that the people's head were spinning. Not much has changed in 2500 years, has it?

Here's what the sage is believed to have said to them.

"It is proper for you, Kalamas, to doubt, to be uncertain; uncertainty has arisen in you about what is doubtful. Come, Kalamas. Do not go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing; nor upon tradition; nor upon rumor; nor upon what is in a scripture; nor upon surmise; nor upon an axiom; nor upon specious reasoning; nor upon a bias towards a notion that has been pondered over; nor upon another's seeming ability; nor upon the consideration, 'The monk is our teacher.' Kalamas, when you yourselves know: 'These things are bad; these things are blamable; these things are censured by the wise; undertaken and observed, these things lead to harm and ill,' abandon them."

Tonight I begin a group of blogs in which I attempt to explain away some misconceptions that people have of me and what my deep thoughts are about things and why my ego developed the way it did.

Most people I encounter don't know what to think when I say "I am a Buddhist". So many sectarian divisions of Buddhism exist. Some differ as much as modern American evangelistic Christianity and the Christianity of a goat herder from Ethiopia 1500 years ago.

Some people think of the Dalai Llama when they think of Buddhism. I can't blame them. I can see his face on a billboard off I-55 when I roll into downtown St. Louis from Illinois. He has a lot of shiny looking books with his smiling face at our local Borders. I even saw him on TV getting some medal of something from President Bush. Some people even think of Chinese mythology. Shaolin monks. Young grasshoppers and jolly fat men sitting under trees or walking around barely clothed. Some are even familiar with Zen and its cool koans like "what is the sound of one hand clapping" that make Westerners think contemplatively for a few seconds. Some even think of near ascetic Theravada monks in saffron robes living in the hills meditating all day. All of these beautiful traditions claim to have the method to help us escape from our own perceived separation from ultimate reality. But they all seem to be suited to cleanse an Eastern ego, not mine.

Theravada philosophy states that we have no distinguishable self. The best analogy I've heard is that of a candle flame. Is the flame now the same as the flame five minutes from now? It's the same process, not the same finite thing. Theravada tries to get us to see reality for what it is so that we don't fuel the flame and we escape the cycle of rebirth (samsara). That’s fine and dandy to me, but is not the belief in samsara an ego construct in itself? I wasn't raised in India, so I don't think I will be reincarnated millions of times. I have only an academic knowledge of Mahayana practice so I can not speak personally of its relevance. Maybe I should do Zen for awhile.

What am I? I am an agnostic. A Christian friend of mine pushes my buttons when she says I have a belief, and that my belief is that there is no god and science explains things. I insist that that describes an atheist, which is just as blind a path as the evangelist. I just go with what makes sense, not having faith in science. What I think she tries to convey is that I have an ego with constructs ideas that reinforce my scientific world view. In equating my scientism with her religion, she inadvertently admits that her beliefs are an ego construct as well. Jesus seems real to her, dinosaur bones seem real to me. I, however, have actually seen dinosaur bones. They can be arranged to form the shape of a giant reptile. I wouldn't lose my sense of purpose in life if I found out that dinosaurs were mammals, not reptiles. I would just think that they are mammals. I've never seen faith lead to anything but delusion, despair, or disappointment.

So why do I say I am a Buddhist? Because I practice Vipassana, which is admittedly not a Buddhist invention. I don't have faith that it will free me from my ego. I don't blindly move forward with anything. Vipassana is a practice to cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness doesn't care what the path does or if I have faith that it will work. It only cares what’s happening right now. I practice it in an attempt to know for myself its truth. And right now I can see mindfulness making my life easier and more peaceful. This isn't nearly all the parts of the eightfold path. I don't see the four noble truths as being absolute. I see their truth making more sense the more mindful I become. Vipassana doesn't ask me to close my eyes and move forward, it asks me to open them and stay still. Such is the fine line between skepticism and doubt. A skeptic investigates, because he follows the middle way between faith and doubt.

Whether Shakyamuni generated all his ideas, stole them from other Jains, or is an evolved figure like Jesus, I don't care. What works is what works, and it works by decreasing the ego constructs, not by increasing them. My same Christian friend I mentioned earlier has a bookshelf full of theology and apologism books, human logic to justify her faith. Doesn't seem natural to me. I sit and breath.

addendum to previous post

2007-10-07T03:02:08Z

2007 - NL Central Division Champions - Lost to Arizona in 3 games

There's always next year, isn't there?

Uppity Cubs Fans

2007-09-12T02:08:44Z

Ok goddamnit people. I'm starting to hear too much. I knew this was going to happen. My Cardinals aren't going to the playoffs this year. I was an early detractor last year too. I caught a lot of shit too when I said they wouldn't go all the way. Maybe the poker player in me is bigger than the fan.

Anyway, I give them longer odds this year, and the Cubs will probably be going to the playoffs. Now all these Cubs fans are giving me shit, laughing at me, sending me derogatory emails. Those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it. So let me give you list of what happened the last few times the cubs went to the playoffs and you all got so excited.

1910 - NL Champions. Lost to Philedelphia in 5 games
1918 - NL Champions. Lost to Boston in 6 games
1929 - NL Champions. Lost to Philedelphia in 5 games
1932 - NL Champions. Lost to Yankees in 4 games
1935 - NL Champions. Lost to Detroit in 6 games
1938 - NL Champions. Lost to Yankees in 4 games
1945 - NL Champions. Lost to Tigers in 7 games
1946 -> 1983 (38 years) No playoff appearances
1984 - NL East winners. Lost to San Diego in 5 games
1988 - NL East winners. Lost to San Diego in NLCS
1998 - Wild card title. Swept by Atlanta
2003 - Central Division Champions. No Steve Bartman didn't fuck it up, you guys did. Lost to Florida of all teams. Up 3-1, they choked the next four games and Florida went on to win the World series

So you can all get uppity and be happy you might get the Central but you all know whats going to happen in the end...

I do however believe in miracles. The Cards did win last year with a worse team than the Cubs have now. But my money is on Boston.

observations of my vacation

2007-09-10T06:19:46Z

It's 1:00 AM. I have to be awake at 7:00. I haven't been to my job in nine days. I haven't been to bed before 3am in nine days, or woken up before noon. I'm wide awake right now and I know I'm going to be in a shit mood tomorrow. I've accomplished very little since last Friday. I read some books. I did my dishes once. My room, my car, and my mental state are all still messy.

Some beautiful insight came to me while I was at the hometown last Wednesday. The whole city is the epitome of sloth and torpor, and it's still in my soul. So many years away from it and it still runs in my blood. I always joked that entering that city made me stupid. But now, I have the tools of insight meditation. Instead of running with thoughts unnecessarily, I have been just observing thoughts and letting them pass. The effect that's important here is that I have an accountability of my thoughts and how frequently they occur. Sitting on the couch in my parent's basement brought them to a near standstill. I went stupid for several days. Finally, I had to come back south. I don't know why Springfield makes us all dumb, but I swear that I will avoid that place as much as possible for the rest of my life, so help me science.

I also learned that drinking until 4am and smoking for somebody who doesn't smoke and rarely gets drunk is a bad idea. It took me three times doing it to accept this fact. I was drunk at this dive bar in Edwardsville talking to some philosophy major about how I read a lot of eastern philosophy and meditate a lot. I told her about how I was getting heavily into Theravadin Buddhism. She said "Do you consider yourself a Buddhist?" I said, "Yes, a little." She then took one look at my glass of scotch and said "You're not doing a very good job at it." But that didn't piss me off. I must have done a good job letting a negative emotion pass without justifying it. Or maybe I'm just a sappy loving drunk.

A real Buddhist doesn't consider himself to be a Buddhist anyway. They don't believe in self.

I also learned that no matter how hard you try to be selfless with your kindness towards someone, most of the time they won't believe you and will look for a hidden motive. But that shouldn't stop us.

Three Cardinals Players Showing Their Acting Skills

2007-09-06T18:36:42Z

This one is a super gem. Spezio, Kennedy, and Eckstein showing off their off field talents back in 2002.

The Glorious Days of Doing Absolutely Nothing

2007-09-06T05:46:45Z

One who contemplates beauty,
whose faculties are unrestrained,
who knows no moderation in food,
is apathetic, who is is slothful;
that one does Mara (temptation) overthrow
as wind a tree of little strength.
- Buddha from the Dhammapada, Chapter 1, verse 7

This week I have experienced a phenomenon which I have never experienced before in my life. I've done absolutely nothing since Friday night. While that's not a big deal, the difference is that I am being paid for it. I've never had a job that gave me a paid vacation before. Here's a sample of what I've done

Friday: Watch TV, play computer games
Saturday: Watch TV, play computer games, ride bike
Sunday: Watch TV, play computer games, ride bike, read, skip meditation group, go to Big Muddy Blues Festival and watch John Mayall, drink gin until 4 am
Monday: Watch TV, play computer games, ride bike, read
Tuesday: Watch TV, play computer games, ride bike, read
Wednesday: Watch TV, play computer games, ride bike, read

John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers were absolutely amazing and they deserve their own blog post.

In an attempt to escape every aspect of my life, I headed to the parents house in Springfield, IL on Tuesday afternoon. The qualities of this town that I hated so much growing up here are serving me so well right now. Nothing is going on. This is a completely uneventful town, but big enough that nobody fucks with you. I ate a chocolate croissant and a piece of poppy seed coffee cake from the bakery I used to work at. I ate all the processed crap food my parents eat. I tried avoiding caffeine, but that died as soon as I saw they served Goshen coffee, which is too good.

Back home my room is still a mess, my papers still disheveled. My meditation pillow sits cold. An important friendship is left tattered after a Monday night altercation which I handled horribly because of my own mental fatigue. Here in the hometown, old friends have been left uncontacted.

I'm pretty sure of the ineffectiveness of completely ignoring one's problems for a week in a path towards happiness, but goddamn this is nice.

Four Years Behind the Wave

2007-09-05T03:58:02Z

It's 2007 and I finally started a blog. I don't know how it will develop yet

Things to be posted will include:

Links to funny and weird shit I find on the internet
Links to articles on subjects that interest me, like fitness, eastern philosophy (esp. Theravada Buddhism), counterculture politics, and IT.
Emotionally driven commentary about the events in my life carefully formulated to appear perfectly logical.

I look forward to simultaneously pissing off and amusing my friends with my postings.